romantic instinct fail

cafe moro is kicking the "songs that make you want to be in love or dead" mix again.

random note: for anyone who listened to "kurzweil transmissions", the sound at 2:42 is my thumb knuckle popping sideways. i couldn't edit it out, sonically or with regards to the shooting pain that i had in my hand for like an hour afterward. awesome.

there's this absolutely beautiful woman sitting on the porch right now. she looks like that sort of girl that causes me to have essentially the emotional equivalent of hitting your knee with that little hammer, even though i actually know nothing about her. i think the ability to imagine things about other people is probably the worst ability human beings have. it leads to an absurd amount of disillusionment and false expectations.

anyway, i keep thinking about going out and saying something to her, but this is always the point at which my interest in someone devolves into creepy leering. or them already being taken, usually by some totally egregiously douchebaggy guy (or at least i think so in my mind). i just have absolutely no idea to initiate conversation with someone with the intent of expressing interest in them. which is probably why i only ever want to date people i'm already friends with. it's just so much easier in a lot of ways, not the least of which being that i'm pretty clear already on how i feel about them.

as i mentioned to v a minute ago, i feel like somewhere around fifth grade it stopped being advantageous in the attracting-ladies sense to be the kind of guy who just likes to talk and hang out and do fun things. ever since then it's been about how cool you are, or how fancy your shit is, or how big your proverbial dick is. i have no idea what a proverbial dick is. but i'm going to assume you know what i'm talking about.

also, a lot of what derails my going up to random girls and probably scaring the shit out of them by expressing romantic interest is because i feel like it's too random. i feel like there's a distinct possibility that, if i haven't already thought out the act for like months i might just be interested in them because there's something else wrong in my life, or something boring that i'm just thinking on some level "wow! a pretty girl will make my life bettar!" and that's not fair. i mean, ideally, that would actually be the case, but hopefully there would also be more to it than that, or else the relationship would be really one-sided.

all of that said, this girl has a really cute nose and i could totally see us doing lots of cute things in slow motion while "so happy together" plays in the background. like maybe she could try to pull me up a hill in a radio flyer but the handle would break off and i'd roll back down the hill and crash into something that was comically loud when crashed into and then she would look at the camera and shrug like "oh fuck...but that was funny, though".

in reality, i will just sit here until she leaves, and then i'll be sad for like ten minutes, and then i'll get on with my life. because that's how i roll.

i normally don't write about this kind of stuff in my blog, mostly because i know someone about whom i have pretty strong feelings reads at least occasionally, and so it's sort of awkward. but lately i've been having a rash of panic regarding my romantic future, especially considering that unless i do something drastic (which, to be fair, i'm totally not opposed to doing), i'm essentially stuck in pullman for the next four years, and it's not really the best place to meet people. so i just needed to talk about that a bit. so hopefully that's not too weird for said person. hopefully mentioning it at all wasn't weird, either. i don't know how to do any of this. i'm making it up as i go, since about 2002. sorry in advance if it's necessary.