today i combed my hair, dressed up nicely (by my standards) and tried not to say "fuck" a lot...in order to impress a girl. i'm not sure if it worked. "impress" is maybe too strong a word, anyway.
i was thinking about this on my way up to spokane for the show. at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, as did trying to be doggedly social all day and afternoon. in retrospect, though, i wonder.
this sort of magical, movie-romance-esque feeling came over me suddenly (within the last 48 hours) and i responded almost immediately with unmitigated aggressiveness (once again, by my standards). this felt like a good thing to do, like something that most people would encourage, but i felt a little weird about it in some corner of my head too. so, locked in the car on the highway earlier with no way to escape myself, i thought a bit about it.
every relationship i've ever had, or come close to having, or been interested in having, with the exception of my very first one, has involved some outside third party. whether it was me wanting to be with someone while i was already dating someone else, someone who i had feelings for not being single, or other, more confusing and weird permutations of those two situations...i've never entered into the possibility-exploration stage of a relationship without there being outside pressure of some sort.
thusly, i think my reflexive response in this current situation was to react as if i was facing a deadline. as if i was in competition with an army of invisible suitors and it was only a matter of time before one of them took my place.
what a stupid, stupid, stupid reason to do pretty much anything.
i did a lot of things today that i would normally perceive of, in someone else, as toolish, or boorish. and, afterwards, i felt bad about it. then it took me awhile to figure out why. then i figured out why.
a friend of mine said to me yesterday by way of advice: "start as you mean to go on". starting a relationship by trying to ooze charm and be hygenic is, for me, not doing that. even if that act gets me a foot in the door, so to speak, i'm not going to keep it up forever. it's disingenuous and unfair to pretend that i am. so. stopping that already. doing my thing. taking my time. figuring out what i want to do. actually, you know, getting to know somebody before making huge assumptions about their personality. all good things to do. and then...if that makes me unattractive...well, how could i really blame anyone for that? i'm a pretty fucked-up mess lately (read: the last few years) and while i've made my peace with that, i can totally understand how other people wouldn't, or couldn't.
i've learned how to keep growing and learning and having fun alone, and while that's not the ideal situation for me, it's gone from an unliveable situation to a liveable one in the last few years. and i've finally gotten to that point where i can accept the fact that people (females especially) might not be particularly fond of "the real me"...that's fine. there are tons of people who i'm sure are absolutely wonderful, beautiful beams of sunshine that i know after five minutes of talking with them i would hang myself if i had to date them. knowing that, if lots of women feel the same way about me, how could i possibly take that personally? i can't.
jesus, i was gonna eat pizza. i just had to get that down. back in the morning probably with a show review. it will have the words "loud" and "good" and "rock" and "NOM" in it a lot.
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