my burritos bring all the boys to the yard

i fucking kick ass at making burritos. that's all there is to it. anything mexican, i can cook it up like a motherfucker. same with italian. beyond that it gets sketchy.

also the taco seasoning mix i made is HOT. like OH GOD AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO EAT THIS hot. but i'm a masochist so it's cool.

my nervousness about teaching tomorrow is somewhat mitigated by the fact that it's technically the only thing i have to do tomorrow. my day starts at like 830 and is over by 10. not bad. that's going to come in handy when i have a shit-ton of reading to do in later weeks.

i'm planning on hanging around all day tomorrow anyway and doing the zoe's thing if that's still on. but still. it's good to know if i totally lose my mind and turn into a psychopath i can go home and sleep.

is it just me, or does the singer for calexico sound a little like m.ward? apparently calexico has done an album with iron + wine. i gots to get my grubby mitts on that.

after reading all the reviews of last night's cardinals show (five new, never-before heard songs!), listening to a lot of ryan adams pandora radio tonight, and having seen wilco a few days ago...i have a terrible cardinals hankering. now that i see my schedule and realize that even if i had fronted the cash to go see them in seattle on tuesday i couldn't have made it work timing-wise helps a little...but still. right now i want to see the cardinals more than anything else in the universe. okay, maybe there's one other thing. but second most.

a LOT of stuff has happened since wednesday morning. it's weird to think about it all. but i also feel like i've finally, in the last three or four months, given up on any residual ideas about misery-as-chic, or thinking i'm undeserving of happiness, or that it's not worth the work, or i'll figure it out someday but not now, or that it's easier to just be miserable. it's not. i'm really learning to swallow my pride and be humble and say, basically "i don't know how to fucking do anything, and i need to learn". and then i'm trying my best at learning. so, good. that might be the only thing that's going to get me through the next four years. i have great colleagues, but i can't expect to get as lucky with people as i did last time i did this. if i do, then great, but i need to stop falling back on luck and build something to land on when luck runs out. if it doesn't, cool. i would be fucking crazy-happy to be wrong. and i already think i might be, based on the last week. but we'll see.

i don't know if i'm going to sleep tonight. it's the start of something really big, if i end up actually finishing. i'm nervous. i feel like i'm getting married. except instead of marrying a women i love i'm marrying a black hole that's going to fucking pound my molecules backwards into time if i don't be careful. gah!

that said, i think i'm about 100 times more ready to deal with everything than i was 3 years ago, and i got through okay that time.

five hours away from Zero Hour. the shit just got real.