huh?

movies and music and books and sometimes other peoples' wishful thinking leads us to believe that conflicts, romances, friendships, self-inquiry, etc. are always wrapped up in a neat little package that can easily be explained by a chalkboard diagram. learning is always a sudden, dramatic epiphany, victory and loss are black and white.

not really true. i think the best you can hope for (if you're not hell-bent on deluding yourself, of course) is to appreciate little moments. little moments between those big ol' scary gulfs of nothing that we instinctively want to give meaning to but can't. moments that are like signposts in the woods; not momentous in their own right, but useful in that they help define a little of the chaos. they say "yes, you're still going the right way" before you plunge back into the trees.

these little moments give us a chance to look and realize that maybe everything we did while hacking through that last big gulf of nothing wasn't completely fucked-up or wrong, maybe we're doing something right while being lost and flailing around like...well, like someone who's lost and flailing. or maybe you realize that you did do a lot of fucking up, but because of the equanimity of follow wanderers you were forgiven for that and can go on your way. i feel like i've been in the middle of one of these moments off and on for a day or two, and now it's passing again. sigh. it's humbling being lost, on having to rely on other people's directions. or other people's forgiveness. but we should be humble. look up.