it just turned into fall all of a sudden...

...everybody's wearing sweaters and it's windy and i love the weather, but i'm so fucking tired. thinking of all the stuff i've done and what i still have to do makes it worse instead of better. standing in the rain in spokane for 2 hours tonight waiting for doors to open does not appeal to me.

there's some possibly good, new stuff coming along right now (not just writing and singing, but socially, maybe emotionally, maybe maybe blah blah). it's a day's worth of work just trying to sift through it all. people who are thirty years old and work eight hours a day and think that wipes them out...you try working 12 hours a day and also still caring about the world and love and paying attention to shit and caring about something beyond yourself and also about yourself and see how fucking easy that is. it is not, for your reference.

i'm not complaining. i mean, it's a choice i make every day to keep doing it. but man, sometimes i just want to sleep for a month, or get like an hour-long hug, or figure out how to love someone and/or be loved without it turning into a fucking job, like it often does with me, in my stupid head.

mostly i just want to have a moment to catch my breath. that was supposed to be this summer, but that ended up being more about learning more about how to be alone and how to live with myself and that's not the same thing as time off. i might try to go to the show tonight. i have no doubts that the show itself will be awesome. it's just the getting there and back that worry me. i don't see an end to all of this weird metaphysical, and physical and emotional and work-action anytime, ever, for like the next four years...and the chance to just make tonight a temporary end and just fucking kick back and time out sounds awesome. but i'm probably panicking. that's easy to do when you talk to yourself more than anyone else. maybe i should go. maybe i'll take a nap first. zzzzzz...