not any more important than any other person...there is nothing that makes my thirteen million ranting blog-words about my feelings more important than anyone else's. that is the god-honest truth. but if you're here in spite of that, thank you. not because i need anybody to listen, but because it's fun to share. very fucking difficult sometimes, but fun too, and it's really the only way to grow out (instead of "growing up", which means a lot of things; some good things and some very, very shitty and fucked-up things that insecure people like to fixate on because they forgot how to have fun 30 years ago and now they're afraid and lonely in their little houses built of fear and loneliness and sometimes i really feel like i should be able to feel sorry for them, but sometimes it's just really hard because above all else, you really do do that sort of thing to yourself, regardless of what else happens to you without your permission).
that's life.
i do this because it helps me and i hope it helps others (but maybe it doesn't) and i really have no expectations beyond that. i would still do it if i was in a dark corner alone and there was no internet and i was john milton and my daughters were scribbling my insanity because i had no eyes left. because that's how i roll. because no matter what kind of good luck or bad luck you have, you yourself are ultimately responsible for what happens in your life and you have to deal with it, and i'm tired of building a legacy of fear and worry and fragile illusions of control when deep down i damn well know better; that all of that stuff makes you feel better right up and until it doesn't work anymore and then you've got nothing. so at least i've got my good old fucked-up self, at least i'm getting to know myself, and at least i'll be able to look in the mirror 30 years from now and recognize myself. as tiring as it is sometimes, it's worth it for that. and for the times when (as much less often as they might happen then they would if i was a hip 20-something problem drinker with fancy clothes and some panache and 6000 facebook friends) i hear another voice out there that sounds a little like the one in my head and a smile to myself and hope that maybe, occasionally, i make someone else feel that way too...and as much as i know i'm prepared at this point to be alone it's a great feeling for there to be times when i know i'm not. very cool.
and i'm really grateful to the people i know who are honest and straightforward and don't try to tell me what they think i want to hear or don't try to be somebody else for the sake of making things less complicated...a few of you have been really helpful lately while i've been working through some of this stuff. you know who you are. you're the kind of people that inspire me in the way i'm trying to inspire others. so thanks.
well, i'm about 5000 words into non-coherence at this point. so i'm stopping. for good. bon soir.
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