i <3 my jorb

i was going to say this the other day, but i didn't. and now that i'm super-caffeinated, half-asleep and completely incoherent, i'm going to try to say it now.

i have a very cool job. and the point of getting the ph.d, of course, is that i'll be able to not only continue having this job, but also get paid huge amounts (by my standards) of cash to do it.

i've been whining a lot lately. even more than usual. and with good reason. lots of hard things going on. lots of work, little sleep (even more and less respectively than usual, and i have been living exceptionally unhealthily in these two ways for the last three years or so, so that's saying something). on top of that, lots of actually having to think about my future, having to actually think about feelings of the romantic variety. neither of those things are exactly my forte. fighting the tendency to just sort of curl up in my hole and resign myself to my work, which is probably my least favorite thing about myself...my tendency to do that. i have to stop, because otherwise i'll never actually be happy. i've accepted that i'll never be the most popular guy at the party, but there's a difference between being that guy and willing to go out of your way occasionally to engage someone socially or emotionally, and i don't think i've ever realized that before. it was always "i'm socially awkward, so that means i have to consign myself to entertaining myself". but fuck that. i care too much about other people to be that way. i care too much about making my life worth something other than me feeling good about myself. that's cyclical, masturbatory, and selfish, ultimately. at least if it's your only goal.

anyway, my point was...umm...i guess that my job is great. i get paid to write and read. and work with students who are, by and large, pretty awesome (though most freshmen have a special kind of apathy that makes me want to work with higher-level students sometimes). i don't get paid much, but i don't need to get paid much because i don't spend much. i'm surrounded by really great people and friends who are all into the same kinds of things i am and who are always around when i'm not being too stubborn to actually talk to them. all those years that i worked shitty jobs thinking that someday having a job i liked would somehow make it worth it existentially? yeah, it totally did. i was right. for once. working 16 hours a day here is ten times easier and more enjoyable than working 8 hours at any other job i've had. i actually get home at night feeling like i both accomplished something meaningful and also learned things that help make my own life better.

of course working 16 hours a day 7 days a week gets old even if your job is having teh secks. that's why i've been really pissy lately, at least partially. it's hard to work this much. i was afraid to come back to the program, honestly, because i was still burnt out from the MA and the idea of doing it again, for twice as long, seemed terrifying. but i'm glad i did. i know what i want to do, i know i'll need a ph.d to do it, and so having to go through it eventually was inevitable. i'm glad i did it now instead of waiting a few years and trying to "come back" to the scene after being away. i don't think i could have made it then. i think i'll make it now. besides, fear is a dumb reason to do anything.

so yeah. it's week nine and as usual at about this time, i'm tired as shit. i want to be done and i never want to read a journal article again. but underneath all that, i'm fucking fortunate as fuck to be here and be doing what i'm doing, and i know that. and that's what makes everything else not only bearable, but formative, and in a positive way. growing is always a little painful...

time's up. gotta hit spanish 600.