torrent spy

so i now have constantly-seeded torrents (at least as constant as my ISP will let me be) of all three of my actually semi-decent recordings posted on the internet: "Not California", the demo disc "Back To Ohio", and the live recording of the Susan's Christmas show. i freaking love torrents and i'm really glad i've finally found a good way to get music out there without having to have gigs of webspace (recordings in FLAC take up a lot of space). i'm also glad that at least a few people have been actually downloading them lately.

however, it's also sort of weird. versus actually physically giving someone a disc, it's sort of bizarre to just see your share ratio going up and think "well, someone out in the universe just downloaded my CD". odds are, it's somebody i know pretty well, but still. it's also sort of renewed my tendency to dwell on buts. that's not as dirty as it sounds.

what i mean is, whereas i'm pretty comfortable and happy with 90 percent of the songs i've written and not immediately trashed, i'm never necessarily very comfortable with the recordings of those songs. i'm never comfortable with the idea of saying "i spent a year writing and recording these 13 songs, and these versions of those songs are the ones you need to hear to communicate the essence of that work". that's essentially what you're saying with an album, but it's also ridiculous to say that. i know for a fact that at least 10 versions of each of the songs on "Not California" have happened in the last two years that are far, far better than the ones on that disc. they've just mostly happened in someone's basement in the middle of the night, or with some friend of mine and a busted piano or something. and no mics.

my frustration is partially because of my shoddy audio setup and the fact that the 1000 dollars or so i've put into music in the last 2 years has pretty much bankrupted me (so there's not a lot i can do about this beyond eventually save up more money), and partially just because i'm a perfectionist. i have a feeling that even if i paid out 100 bucks an hour with a band to play in a real studio that i'd want to redo all the tracks again. that's just the way i am.

anyway, the point i was getting at is that it's hard to watch faceless internet denizens download your CDs and not want to be able to tell them "that's not the best thing i've ever done!" ahead of time. i recorded "Not California" when i knew pretty much nothing (except how to play chords) about guitar, nothing about singing, and nothing about recording. i knew a little bit more when i/we recorded "Back To Ohio" but that disc is mostly just ideas, except for the tracks where i'm actually playing with others, it's mostly just sonic brainstorming. the Susan's show was a great show (aside from a few hiccups), but the recording lacks a lot of evidence of how good the percussion is, the electric guitars are hopelessly quiet in the mix (which they absolutely were NOT at the show) and my voice is really scratchy partly because of lack of practice and partly because of a cold and seven gallons of snot in my throat. that's what i want to say. but i suppose what i should want to say is "here's my stuff. it's not perfect, but i'm getting better, or at least different. i hope you like it." it's just hard to think someone would listen to something i spent a lot of time on and say "pfft. that's [insert negative comment]", but that's the way it is. i guess now that i know that the music is getting around to people i know that don't feel obligated to be encouraging in the face of evidence to the contrary, i'm having to deal with the idea directly that people might just get through the first song and want the hard drive space back. and i suppose that's all good. i mean, of course it is. damn, this is difficult :)

i went back and listened to some of the early takes the for the new ricochet record last night, while insomnia was kicking my ass. when i did those takes, i was so pumped about my new amp, and was so pumped about feedback and reverb after experiencing back-to-back nights of 16-minute "easy plateau"s in salem and seattle, that i ripped through a lot of the spacey, jammy stuff thinking "oh yes, this is obviously the best thing to do ever!" and now listening to it again...it's weird. the tones on the second guitar, especially on the first track (now called "Crazy Stairs") are almost metal. like 80s hair-band metal. it's fucking insane and weird.

i like it, but i seriously wonder if i can go back and touch on that dynamic again to complete the rest of the record, or if it's just going to sound like the first part was composed in a "Ride The Lightning" meets "Daydream Nation" coma and the the second part was composed in my normal whirly-twirly slidy-solo-scales and cheery treble mode. i guess we'll find out later this week.