i'm a piece of shit, part seventeen

so this entire weekend i was a piece of shit. i don't know how this happened. with the twin motivations of having my means of funding continued survival ending in a month and a half and my at least partially genuine excitement about what i might be doing next, it seemed like i was going to spend all weekend emailing contacts, searching job ads, editing some audio tracks, and maybe fitting in a trip to kamiak butte or two.

but instead i pretty much slept for three entire days. when i wasn't sleeping, i was laying on the couch reading (half-awake) or eating shitty food since i was too worthless to cook for myself.

as you can see, there's a bit of self-loathing involved in my reflections currently. a lot of times, especially over the last two years or so, when things have been really, constantly difficult professionally and emotionally, i haven't had a problem with having a few days off here and there, with just saying "fuck it" and sitting around until i get my head back on straight. but that wasn't what was going on this time. it wasn't constructive. it was just me feeling sorry for myself and being outright lazy. and i guess that's why i'm frustrated. i feel like i lost three days for no reason at a time that i really don't have luxury of wasting that much time. i'm in pretty real danger of no longer having any money or anywhere to live by july or august, and sitting around moping isn't doing anything to straighten that shit out. my default behavior is not necessarily antisocial or internal; i can be external pretty easily also...but my default behavior IS reflective. i'm a planner. i like to observe things and take time planning my response. but there isn't really time for that. i think i ran out of time for the tactful approach about nine months ago. so i'm learning to adjust, and i think that necessitates a certain amount of self-ass-kicking. so there it is.

well tomorrow morning, it's back to work. and the way my sleep schedule's been lately, i'll be extremely surprised if i sleep at all before then. fortunately, i found an old copy of "Face/Off", so i think i'll probably just watch that like 3 times and drink diet coke until my eyes do that thing where they get really dry and itchy and maybe (just maybe) i start seeing snakes on the ceiling. and then the sun will come up and i'll shuffle off to buffalo.

uh-oh.