well, it's been a week. once again i've survived spending almost the entirety of nine days alone in pullman. for most people, thanksgiving breaks and spring breaks are cause for rest (maybe) and celebration (definitely). i've had 1 or 2 of those in the last few years, but generally they're just cause for trepidation and then, eventually, extreme loneliness and too much introspection.
i'm good at introspection; it's my thing and it's one of the things that's made me a lot healthier mentally in the last 10 years than i was in the years before that. but even too much ice cream gives you a badass headache.
i'm going to ramble, so if you don't like looking at car accidents, you can stop reading now.
the last few days (as you might know if you've been reading lately), i've been dealing with some pretty hardcore insomnia, brought on mostly by the fact that once i finished all my spring break work on tuesday or wednesday and everyone had pretty much left for break, i was just sort of hanging around, watching movies and doing weird music shit (which you can download for your amusement on my previous entry). the problem with this is, it gets old after awhile. i like having time off. i even like having time to myself. but not a lot of time. i'm a pretty solitary person, but i at least need something to do. and i haven't had that this week, or even really much this year at all. its been another limbo year (in some ways, not in others), and i'm sick of limbo years. i'm sick of living from march to march in this stupid grad school application cycle. i haven't really had anything concrete in my life since, oh, 2002 or so. that's six fucking years. granted, after my first year at WSU i had a minor degree of stability in knowing that i was coming back the next year for sure. but at the beginning of that next year my fiancee and i broke things off, she moved out, and about 10 other things that i'd rather not talk about happened before december, so i'm not sure how much i can even apply the word "stability" to that year.
i don't expect a lot, stability-wise. i don't want to sound like your typical american dreamer, because i'm not. my life is built around change, around learning, around saying things like "oh fuck, i just spent 4 years doing THAT the wrong way" and being able to be okay with it because i've learned something. i don't want to necessarily stay in the same place fo 20 years, or have a job where i get a gold watch for putting in 40 years in the same office. i don't want to have a job that pays 200,000 a year so that i can cover my basic expenses with 15 percent of my salary and sit on the rest in case i wrap my car around a tree and end up traction. that's not how i roll.
but for fuck's sake, this is getting old. i guess i feel like in the last 5-6 years, for the most part all my introspection and outrospection and exploration (geographically and existentially) has, in a lot of ways, just led to showing me what i might actually want right before it's whisked away from me and i'm forced to work with something else. i can go out to the bar and strike up a conversation with someone interesting-looking just as easily as the next guy. i can throw a trip together and spend a week camping up and down the coast and having a great experience. i'm glad i can do those things. but that doesn't, in some ways, replace having people (or even jobs, hobbies, etc for that matter) that i can get attached to for more than six months without having to start over when those things and people end or leave.
i mean, sure, i've got a lot of friends. good friends (and family) that i've known for years. but they're (almost entirely) thousands of miles away. and i keep in touch with them via the phone, email, etc. and i'm really grateful that that can happen. but sometimes it just doesn't substitute well for having someone sitting on your couch, in person, listening to you blab about your stupid life, or helping you plan a road trip into the middle of nowhere or just watching TV so you're not doing it by yourself.
there are people here i could do that with (and have), but largely i'm a fan of non-shallow friendships, and those take awhile to build up. i mean, i have my share of "let's hang out once a month or so and talk about sports" type friends, but generally i only pursue those friendships as a gateway to eventually more meaningful relationships. that's just the way i am. there's nothing inherently wrong about surrounding yourself with 300 drinking buddies, it's just not what i'm interested in. and i suppose maybe that's my bad for expecting more and then complaining when i don't get it. i don't know. but i don't think it's something that's going to change.
man, i'm totally coming off as high-maintainance, aren't i?
jesus, did i spell "maintainance" right? or is it "maintenance"? whatever. i slept from 8am to 4pm yesterday, and then fell asleep at 1am just a bit ago and woke up at 3am, ready to go. so i guess i'm just staying up until my conferences start and then doing those for 9 hours or so. blarg. the good news is that i actually filed my taxes awhile ago while i was just sitting up doing nothing. it seemed like the right thing to do. so i'm getting 1066 dollars. is it sad that i laughed because that reminded me of the norman invasion? i'm also probably getting that 300 dollar bush-distracts-people-with-money thing. but i'm not sure.
anyway, i guess i'm just frustrated with what seems like my inability (maybe like 40 percent my fault and 60 percent circumstance's fault) to hold on to anything that matters in my life for more than like a year or so. usually it's okay because i love new things, but sometimes (usually around april, ironically) it just gets really old. i'm not looking for 2 kids and a white picket fence, but it'd be nice to have something to care about that wasn't a guitar. maybe i could write a song about that. hah.
though, honestly, the loneliness thing i can deal with. it's not a function of anyone else's life or a career or whatever to provide meaning for my life. that's my thing, and so when there's a problem with it, ultimately it's my responsibility to deal with it. which of course i'm trying to do, and will get better at after i bitch about it awhile longer. the thing that i don't have as much control over is, i think, that i want to be able to use some of my time, energy, etc to actually mean something to someone else again. i feel like i haven't done that for a long time. maybe i'm not explaining that well. it's all well and good to have your own stuff to do/care about/etc. and i definitely have those things. but there's still a lot of me left over. i want to be close enough to some people that i can do things for them, too. i feel like an unintentional miser. it was different back when, say, i lived in kent, and there were tons of opportunities to actually help people i cared about and do things that benefitted them and not just me. i don't really feel that way anymore, and i think that's the main reason i feel like i'm sort of wasting my time. i have all this stuff i want to do, so many things i want to see and write about and care about and enjoy and work on and teach about and get paid for and take pictures of and sing about, and i could do it all, fucking all of it, by myself. but that makes it all pointless. what the fuck is the point? there isn't one. it's like yelling into a well and hearing your voice echo back at you. maybe awe-inspiring for a second, but you're still essentially talking to yourself.
i wouldn't mind being in love again, either. of course that's always going to be only half up to me, so i don't try to have too many expectations on that front. but it's hard sometimes. most of the relationships i've had have been really shitty regarding actually being able to work with the other person to make both of our lives better, both as a unit (bad word choice; couldn't think of another) and as individuals. but i think i might have learned lately how to be a lot better at this, and i'd like to think i wouldn't fuck it up so badly if given the chance again sometime.
well whatever. now i'm less embarrassed about my shitty music post last night, and more embarrassed about this. but if i don't post it, then i feel like it sort of misses the point. too bad mike doesn't have time to comment on my blog anymore; i know he'd at least actually read this and write a near-as-long response :) he actually left me a nice message this morning, which was cool.
anyway, i don't know what to do, where to go, pretty much anything. i guess for now i have to finish my job by may, and then after that, assuming i don't get my job back or get into school (both of which are looking very, very much like they're not going to happen as of a few days ago), my life will have pretty much completed the transition to utter pointlessness. so if anybody has any suggestions/jobs/ideas, whatever, feel free to shoot them my way. i don't even really care if i end up scaling fish or shoveling gravel, i just want my life to be about something other than me for once.
i've still got three hours until sunrise. i should probably shower. the red eyes and complimentary eye-bagginess are going to be unprofessional enough as it is. smelling like a zombie probably won't help.
I was also on spring break this passed week. I have found that, like you, I had a few things to do, but nothing overly exciting. I still have papers to grade. Papers to write. But I just couldn’t. I was too distracted with thinking about my future. Thinking about writing cover letters. Let me type that again. THINKING about writing cover letters. I never actually made it to writing one. In addition to my frequent bouts of insomnia, I have been an insanely anxious person lately…to the point of needing medication to keep me from having anxiety attacks. I know. Good times. So I get it. I understand your frustration with grad school. I am nearly finishing up a Masters in Sociology and basically feel that I have wasted the last two years of my life. My degree prepares students for conducting research, which I can do, but don’t want to do. None of the jobs that I’m looking for even require a MA, or a BA for that matter. I’ve been looking at nonprofit organizations, something where I can make a difference…something different.
ReplyDeleteI have found myself craving stability lately. I recently ended a relationship, mostly because it was unstable. It was his apartment, so I moved out…causing instability. I have since moved in with friends who I love dearly, but life is never stable when you’re depending on others so heavily, as I am now. In addition, I have a very difficult time asking for help and depending on others, so I’m experiencing a lot of dissonance with my place in the universe. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful people. I also not a fan of superficial friendships (which was a fundamental problem with my last relationship—he didn’t live in reality, he merely hovered on the surface). My friendships are all or nothing. I am entirely willing to give all of myself to any relationship, and though I do not expect it in return, I have been lucky enough to find people who can reciprocate some depth. I’m sorry that those close to you are so far away. The job searching process becomes increasingly terrifying for me every time I look at jobs out of state. Given my fragile nature lately, I feel that it’s important to continue to surround myself with close relationships. Moving to a new city would mean starting over, which I’m not sure I’m capable of doing yet…So to summarize, you are not high maintenance. Though there are surface dwellers who thrive on superficial relationships, not everyone is that shallow.
I also understand wanting to share your life with someone. Until recently I was against relationships. I was always too busy with school, with drama, with life, to factor in another person. But I tried it for a while. And even though he was only able to share a little bit of himself with me, I shared everything with him. It felt good, knowing that I had someone to be with. Someone who could truly see me. Sadly though, he eventually pulled away. I don’t know if it was because I was too honest. If I got too close. If I was just too much for him. Even though the relationship is over, I am still very much in love with the thought of him. Not him, because I know that he really isn’t right for me. In theory the two of us are the perfect couple. In life, not so much. But I still everything I had with him, everything I could have had. So now I’m caught in an interesting situation. I could start dating again, which like job hunting, is a rather disgusting process. But I am potentially moving soon. It wouldn’t be fair to attach myself to someone only to have to leave after a short while. So I’m stuck. I want all the fun stuff that goes along with being in a relationship, but I don’t think I can/should put forth the effort to get that reward.
Going back to jobs and schools. I vote for applying to an obscure college on the other side of the country. Just for fun. As for jobs, there is a fantastic website for people who are truly interested in making a difference: idealist.org. I’ve found it to be pretty helpful, overwhelming at times, but helpful nonetheless.
I’m not exactly sure why I responded to your post with such vigor. Perhaps I was just bored. Perhaps it’s because I just can’t sleep (though I was successful at fighting off that nap earlier and should be exhausted!). Perhaps it is because I know what you’re going through. I am surrounded by wonderful people and have strong relationships. I basically have a good life, but I am struggling. I’m struggling big time. I have never felt so lost or disoriented in my life. I have too many questions that remain unanswered, and the list is growing. I am blessed though, with being eternally optimistic. Life sucks now. I suck now. But it will get better. It will get easier. For me. For you.
Oh, and though I’m not sure how to play off the zombie smell, blame the red eyes on allergies. Works every time!
oh man. so much stuff to respond to. this will teach you to leave really long comments...
ReplyDeleteyeah, anxiety attacks aren't fun. at least you have the good sense not to try to write papers during them. not to be sickeningly optimistic, but i had a similar experience getting my MA (though i realized i wanted to teach, but that i didn't want to do basically what i'd been preparing to do for the last 7 years, which was research). it's not the best feeling in the world, but there's definitely something to be said for figuring out what you DON'T want to do. at least if you're as obstinant about picking one "career" as i am. i feel sometimes like i've wasted a lot of time over the years doing the wrong thing, but honestly had i not done that, i don't know how i could have ended up where i am now in terms of knowing what i DO want to do.
i hear you about the nonprofit thing. i've been thinking about going overseas to teach. it seems so cliche...but at the same, i can't think of much of a downside to it.
i can definitely understand the urge to not make dramatic life decisions when you're still sort of leaning on people. i wonder if, since i'm in sort of the opposite situation, that explains why i keep feeling the desire to do something dramatic, like move to france or something.
since i'm talking about opposites already, i was thinking about your comments regarding relationships. i've been the opposite, pretty much always, in that i was always totally excited by the idea of really intense relationships. and generally i found they would always come up short in the sense that the other person wasn't really interested in sharing as much as i was. which frustrated me. i suppose that's unfair of me, but that's what always happened. and at the same i would also really become attached to the idea of having a partner or someone who was really close to me, even though in reality they weren't. i just sort of ignored that, i guess :)
i really, really liked the job-hunting/dating metaphor. that's exactly how i feel about it, too. the whole process has this sort of weird auctioneer sort of desperation about it that's just fucked up and weird. i used to spend a lot of time in bars trying out that method of dating, and it's not even that it doesn't work, it's just that it feels wrong and forced...of course that leaves you wandering around hoping to run into someone. i guess that's the better strategy. i don't really know another one.
i did in fact run into the sticky situation of awkwardly getting attached to someone right before moving, not too long ago. i would not recommend it. at all. in my defense, i didn't know i was moving until shortly afterwards, but still... i don't know, some people could go into a situation like that and just date casually and enjoy it, but i don't think i'm that kind of guy.
my primary plan is to try to get some publications out there this year and when the application cycle starts again (in december or so) just kick huge amounts of ass. there's something about the field that i'm working in specifically (contemporary travel lit) that pretty much makes me feel like i COULD actually write about it for like 20 years and be happy. so i think that's worth being persistent about. what i'll do until i find a school that'll take me...i don't really know. i've thought about the peace corps and all that stuff, but that's always a trade-off for comfort...and as much as i whine sometimes about being lonely, i do have some great friends here and all over the country, and i sure as hell don't mind having a car and a bunch of books and a recording studio in my living room...
no problem, actually, about the long post. writing helps. at least it helps me. and i'm also somewhat of an eternal optimist. i tend to bitch a lot on my blog because when i bitch to actual people i feel bad for burdening them with my problems...so it's sort of my only outlet. well, it's my only outlet in a sort of self-enforced way. but anyway, thanks for the response.
and my shower's functioning again, so hooray for that. i was running out of weird excuses...
I totally get it. I'm very much an optimist as well. I hate complaining to my friends because I always feel that their problems are more valid, and in many cases, more serious, than mine. The blog helps. So does counseling. And medication. Who knew? :)
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