shit-fuck.

so i woke up this morning to find this in my feed reader.

for those of you who aren't RA fans or fans of long, rambling prose, the gist of the post is that RA is breaking up the band and quitting music (how one "quits" an artistic pursuit like it's a job isn't quite clear to me, but oh well).

my overall reaction to this is a sort of guarded relief. i've been a fan of RA's various musical incarnations for eight years now, and with someone who is as open publicly about themselves as he is, it's been easy to see the toll those eight years have taken on him in a lot of ways. getting off tour, getting out of the spotlight, getting away from something he apparent doesn't get anything positive out of (which in itself is so incredibly confusing and sad to me how he could feel this way, but again, oh well) will be, i'm sure, very good and healthy for him. people have to look out for themselves first before anything else...so be it.

though, obviously, i'm totally gutted about this at the same time. to see the guy (at least to outward appearances) finally find a band he was really excited about, writing music that seemed to mean a lot to him was great. knowing that this great band was gelling so well, that they were finally off a major record label and free to do as they pleased, and that according to RA they were going to simply become "the cardinals" and play rock music as a cohesive group...to see all this positive stuff flying around for the last few months about the band, the music, etc., to be excited for the next tour, and the next one, and the next one...and then to read this. i have to say, i felt a little blindsided. i mean, obviously you read things that people write about themselves online and you have a tendency to assume that suddenly you somehow really "know" that person, and of course you don't and that's total bullshit. but still. i don't understand what happened.

my guess (and also my fear) is that this is largely due to RA's ear canal problems and the fact that performing, as well as composing, etc. aural art has just become really painful for him. and that's just a goddamn tragedy. i mean, for someone whose music has meant so much to so many people (even if he himself refuses to realize that) to have to stop because of something as random as that...it just seems unfair.

like i said, if he's finally learned how to take care of himself and find what makes him happy, obviously that's the primary concern here. it really is just a band, and i myself and other fairly distraught fans will move on with their actual lives, with real actual people in them. i'm sure i'll find some other band someday that i can obsess about and collect billions of recordings of. at the moment, though, in that funny way that any kind of loss works, i just can't really wrap my mind around the idea that there will never be another RA record to get excited about, no more concerts to see. i would never have picked up a guitar or written a song without hearing this guy's music. it helped me through a lot of hard times and made me think about a lot of things i was scared to think about. things that, had i avoided them like i'd wanted to, would have kept me from growing. i realize creating something that powerful must take a toll. but that doesn't make me feel any less like my girlfriend just ran out on me or my dog just died.

i do have to say that in an odd way, i am excited to see what type of books RA produces. i really liked the first one. and, like i said...i'm a writer who got into music because i heard a copy of "heartbreaker". i'm really intrigued by the idea that RA is now sort of moving onto my turf, so to speak, and that i'll be looking forward to the next book instead of the next record.

i really want the next record, though. and the next tour. there might not be another band out there like this one. oh well. roll on...