je suis le retourne!

le maz (the car) is back at stepford (the apartment) and i had a nice little stroll up c street at 5am. pullman's great this time of night. unlike kent or canton or, god forbid, akron, pullman is small enough that at 5am it's dead. dead, dead. dead, like "i didn't see a single person on my 15 walk and heard one car" dead. i dig it.

abbey says he chose the desert as his wilderness because it affords more opportunities for solitude. more opportunities to force you to get to know yourself and your surroundings. i feel the same way about nighttime. i've always been a fan of wandering at night. first it was a function of my insomnia. it wore me out when i couldn't sleep, and doubled as a way to put me into a sort of weird, open, empty space that allowed me to think all my thoughts out. but last year, when i was probably more alone that i've ever been in my life, i spent a lot of time walking. there were nights when i would know for sure that i didn't need to be up in the morning for anything that i would plan walks, walks i knew would take me four or five hours to finish, and then from midnight to 5am i would walk. walking at night became my way of having the world to myself, to be able to experience necessary solitude without having to lock myself up in my room, or my apartment. during the day, everything is mediated through people. even if you're trying to avoid people, you're still interacting with them by virtue of wanting to avoid them. at 5am you can disengage entirely and just take on the city without having to worry about society. it's interesting. i dig.

that said, it's also cold, and dark, and lonely. i can usually convince myself that relationships are too much work, that i don't have time for dating, that i'd be a bad boyfriend, that i'm happy just the way i am. usually i can make myself believe that. sometimes, maybe, it actually is true. but right now a hug would be nice. or one of those looks that's like a wink because you're the only two who are in on the joke and you both know it. oh man. if you think frying a laptop is a shock to the system, try falling in love. yowzers.

double-knotting my shoe laces, just in case.