so, i guess i've finally "gotten over" the whole mystery girl thing, in a sense. i have this process (an unconscious one, to be sure) that goes something like this:
1. become friends with someone who is a girl.
2. (in certain cases) decide that, since my ideal relationship is essentially not much different than just being good friends with someone, i have a huge crush on a girl that i am friends with.
3. vacillate wildly back-and-forth for awhile between trying to decide if sharing my feelings and risking the integrity of the abovementioned friendship is better or worse than just pretending nothing has changed.
4. i eventually decide not to say anything. time passes in which i semi-awkwardly continue hanging out with whatever girl this is.
5. i'm fairly disappointed about the outcome of things, but as my only relationship-oriented thoughts at this point are usually pretty self-centered, i continue on as-is.
6. one day i wake up and realize that what i really want for my friend is for her to be happy with her life, whether that involves me in any capacity (or not).
7. rinse, wash, repeat.
i think the reason i eventually always turn to step 6 is because between steps 2-5, i have a lot of moments where i realize that i've become extremely possessive of this other person, whether it be of their time, their attention, the time they spend with other people, whatever. and that always bothers the shit out of me. that's fucking unhealthy as all hell. but i don't know how to stop doing it, which is why i always end up at step 7 (and therefore back at step 1). at some point in the crushing process, the other person becomes this 2-dimensional idealized version of their real self to me, and in the process of turning them into that i become completely disgusted with myself. it starts to become less about how much i care about this person and more about how i just want to be with somebody because, well, it would be fun for me. which fucking sucks. and is bad and all that.
fortunately, at step 7 i am once again thinking of the victim (ha) as a human being...
so i woke up this morning and realized that i have hit step 7 with mystery girl. faster than i thought it would happen, for sure, but i'm glad it did. i've had way too many moments in my interactions with her lately that have been more about me wanting to make myself feel like she cared about me than about actually just interacting, or hanging out. i hate that shit. until i sort all this out, i'm either going to have to not actually date anyone (likely anyway), or find someone with the patience of a fucking saint (unlikely).
so, time to send mystery girl off in the ether, i guess...or at least my concept of the version of her that i would ideally be romancing. but none of that shit exists outside of my head anyway, so good riddance.
now i can actually be a decent friend again. which is the important part. arg.
another fuck dude. i'm pretty sure i have a more profound comment in here somewhere...it's just not prepared to come out yet. or something.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I do the same thing, only not as fast as you. (if you think you're slow... meet the fucking King of Ents!)
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to think that the only way out is to start having conversations about how you actually feel with the person involved, because it's that secret/fantasy that has to die. Either it dies and becomes real or it dies and becomes false, but that inbetween just makes shit weird. Being honest is the only way of allowing the truth to have its day in the sun. And whether it sucks or not, the cumulative experience of that honesty will help minimize the whole process in the long run.
That's what I tell myself, anyway. Maybe you should try some of your own advice, Dr. Michael Psychologist!
Cheers, man, glad you're feeling human again. Is it coincidence that it coincided with getting a new computer...!? hmmm...
way to go honesty!
ReplyDeletei was going to ask you, "do you think the reason you want her to be happy is so that she can make you happy?" Which is what I did with my "mystery man", of course, and ended up realizing 1) I want this person to be happy, and 2), I have to make myself happy regardless.
The thought of someone being responsible for my happiness (or vice versa) makes me cringe. I'm not sure if that's healthy either, all the time.
Anyway, glad you're feeling human again.
i thought i commented on this a long time ago, but apparently i forgot.
ReplyDeletemike, once again you're completely right on...are you sure you're not a superhero who enables people to catch criminals by giving them good advice?
andrea, i think your #s 1 and 2 are of course both important...my problem becomes thinking that the ONLY way to achieve #2 is through this other person...sure, sometimes i can (or should), but not always. i've got to learn to have my own thing(s), too...and i am learning that, finally. so i wouldn't say i want to make someone else happy at my own expense, but that there needs to be a balance between both...fucking water signs...
i wouldn't think of it as making someone else "responsible" for your happiness...that makes me cringe too. i mean, you can't (and shouldn't try to) make yourself happy all the time all by yourself, but i think you also have to look at other people as happiness-gifts instead of happiness-resources.
this is much easier to explain when actually talking.