something happened to me. i don't know exactly what caused it, or what the results are/were, but i can trace its trajectory like a finger trail on a frozen window, a message left behind that's meaning ices back over while you're trying to decipher it.
it started around halloween, and it ended this past wednesday night when i was sitting in my chair in my office, adjusting to being back at work after a short week and before a week's vacation. i suddenly realized that somehow the previous 2 1/2 or so weeks had somehow stretched themselves over pretty much a lifetime. do you ever have those periods of time that don't seem significant when you're in them, and then when you look back even moments after they end, you're suddenly pretty sure that the "you" you were before you started is almost already, inexplicably, unrecognizeable?
there's a lot about pre-november me that doesn't make sense to me anymore. this wasn't a conscious decision, it wasn't brought about by intentional reflection or adjustment or dissastisfaction. i just suddenly became someone else. it's sort of scary, in the sense that i feel like i'm not sure in a lot of ways suddenly what's important to me or what i'm capable of. i feel like luke skywalker after he cuts off faux-vader's hand on dagobah. something happened, i changed somehow, i'm not sure how i feel about it other than that i know i can't go back because i don't know how i left in the first place.
confused? yeah, me too.
keepin' on.
Yes, I have definitely had those moments. They kind of suck, as good as they can also be, because I dislike the sense of loss. Even if you're better for it, there's always something that goes out like baby with the bathwater. It *is* really weird how a matter of days, even if they are seemingly normal ones, can result in a profound shifting of outlook.
ReplyDelete