"props for fender" or "1.85 posts a day for almost a year"

now that i've spent the entire day plowing through caffeine and henri lefebvre's production of space, i finally have a little free time on my hands to be completely nuts.

ah...luxury.

i actually restrained myself from a rather lengthy drunk word-bender last night. so if you shuddered a bit in your sleep around 5am PST, it was just the ghost of my madness passing over your grave. or your door. or however that works.

tomorrow's my 12-hours-in-avery-by-default day, so i'm trying to get at least a little bit of other things going through my head before i go to bed and then wake up and dive straight into that...considering i worked all day today too, it's sort of a feat. but yesterday i did nothing work-related. and i also did lots of awesome things. so. i'm not complaining. i'm just objectively (?) observing my own thought-oscillations.

whew.

anyway (what kind of post would this be if i didn't use "anyway"?), the other day i passed the 500-post mark. which seems like a dorky thing to celebrate, were it not for the fact that i honestly think i'd be a lot more insane right now were it not for this blog. i started it about nine months ago after running a livejournal for a few years (and racking up less posts in a handful of years there than i've done in a handful of months here). it was the middle of fall (actually the beginning of what would become an incredibly long winter), and i was being forced to face full-on my inability to deal with solitude...something i'd been able to handily avoid the first two years in pullman thanks to help from a bunch of great people. which is not to say there weren't good people around last year, or that there aren't now. but the situation was suddenly different. i was completely responsible for avoiding loneliness now. nobody was going to help me. and it wasn't that i was unwilling to seek people out...i was. but in the process of that seeking out i also realized that i absolutely couldn't just keep jumping from friend to friend or relationship to relationship based on freaking out after i was alone by myself long enough that i started going nuts (about five days, for those keeping score). it was a problem, and i had to deal with it.

this blog has been really, really good for me in helping to deal with those sorts of things. i need to talk about stuff. i need to think things through, and when i can't, i need some room to explode. in the past, i've always relied on other people for these outlets...and i know i can't really do that anymore. so this has been a great place to get thoughts down, to ring my brain out, and at the same time to learn lessons about being comfortable with myself. the difference between writing in a notebook and writing online like this, for me, is that i know people are going to see everything that i write. so it's a challenge sometimes to write personal or intense things. but it's good. it's absolutely improved my ability to articulate myself in "real life" and to discuss things with people in "real life" that i wouldn't have been comfortable discussing before. it's taught me the necessity of dialogue...even if that dialogue is sometimes just me and a computer screen.

so...i know i blog a lot, but i blog a lot because i have a LOT of shit to say. not anything necessarily earth-shattering or important, but for me to make sense of life and to keep looking for meanings and loves and whatever else, i have to keep talking and sharing and hoping that someone else out there might want to talk back. if not, well, i've finally learned to deal with that. but...hope is nice.

there are many, many days that i could probably talk about life and books and writing and music and hiking and photos and every other goddamn thing under the sun for the whole 24 hours if there was someone who wanted to talk back. that would be awesome, but i also realize it's not likely (at least not usually, sometime's i'm lucky). so here i can get that stuff out without exploding. it's cool.

this homage was going to be brilliant and incisive, and i'm finding my ability to articulate has melted somewhere after paragraph three. so. long live fender. i'll keep blogging, but if anybody wants to mine stars with unicorn-horn pickaxes instead, give me a ring. i'm down...

MIXTAPE - August 1/2

a'ight (i forget if i usually apostrophize that shit or not). after three months of mixtape miasma, i've thrown together two CDs worth of shit from the last month and a half or so. i had a hard time wading through all the songs i wanted to use, so i ended making two mixtapes, each with pretty much the same artist lineup, but different tracks.

i just finished these a bit ago (instead of working, of course)...but sendspace kicked total ass (maybe because everyone's still off the VPN due to it being labor day) and so here they are.

August 1:
1. Ryan Adams - So Alive
2. Maritime - Tearing Up the Oxygen
3. Joseph Arthur - In the Sun
4. Radiohead - Jigsaw Falling Into Place
5. Margot and the Nuclear So-and-Sos - Quiet As a Mouse
6. The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
7. Soul Coughing - Disseminated
8. She & Him - Black Hole
9. The White Stripes - Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn
10. Billy Bragg and Wilco - California Stars
11. Roger Hoover and the Whiskeyhounds - Keep Me Away From You
12. The Raconteurs - Old Enough
13. Mason Jennings - Soldier Boy
14. Wilco - Company In My Back
15. Nujabes (feat. Shing02) - Luv (sic.) pt. 3
16. Ryan Adams - So Alive (Acoustic Version, Live)

August 2:
1. Love - Always See Your Face
2. Wilco - Hummingbird
3. She & Him - Change Is Hard
4. M. Ward - I'll Be Yr Bird
5. Billy Bragg and Wilco - Ingrid Bergman
6. Roger Hoover and the Whiskeyhounds - Like Dylan Thomas
7. Patrick Sweany - Your Man
8. Sun Kil Moon - Moorestown
9. The Shins - New Slang
10. Margot and the Nuclear So-and-Sos - Paper Kitten Nightmare
11. Maritime - We Don't Think, We Know
12. Radiohead - Nude
13. Nujabes - reflection eternal
14. Mason Jennings - In Your City
15. Buena Vista Social Club - Pueblo Nuevo
16. The White Stripes - I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)

that's ironing for you.

this just popped up on my google ticker:
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."

that's generally pretty true for me. especially right now. i'm pretty sure i could shoot lightning out of my fingertips if i could harness the power driving my current neurotic-ass worrying/excited thoughts around in the 200-lane roundabout that comprises my brain.

i might just be up all night. again. bah/w00t?

i'm confused...

my skeleton is exploding

post #500 was going to be this big huge post about lots of things. a celebration, of sorts. of expression. and of antisocial nerdiness without which this blog would not exist. however, i'm past 500 now and it's probably not within my capacity to express complicated feelings right now.

but, since i can't really look at anything right now without being able to see the molecules that make it up dividing under the surface, i should probably abstain until tomorrow.

absolutelyfuckingbeautifulamazingasfuck

just found this on the RA blog. i'm a little drunk and other stuff...but still. god. god fucking incredible.


it takes two from Wilson Wolf on Vimeo.